On Choosing To Be Alone.
Choosing to be alone means many things. It means choosing to be enough for one’s self. It means accepting loneliness, because oh believe me, there will be nights when you will be lonely. It means waking up to a new day as precious as a pearl in your palm: yours and yours alone.
Alone is a new idea for me. I work well in a team. I organise. I plan. I criticise. I’ve always tried hard to fix people. Partly, I just love to help people, to be useful and appreciated and wanted. But there is another side; I fix people but I avoid helping myself. I use other people as supports to get me out of being bored and frustrated with myself, but I struggle to make practical changes to my own person.
Choosing to be alone means no-one to blame. If shit goes wrong it’s all down to me. But there is freedom in responsibility; I am in control. I have the power to change things that don’t work. It means learning to accept my limitations, and being gentle with myself as I grow, but always striving for better and pushing myself where I know I can achieve. It means nurturing my soul.
I don’t intend to stay alone forever. My motto for the moment: Be Brave In Love. I am pushing myself through the pain and the hurt and I will come out better. I’m not afraid of anything anymore. I’m 23 and wild and lovely and untameable and gentle and so hopeful, always hopeful. For the first time in my life I am owning my own contradictions. I am not afraid to be many things. I’m not afraid to be me. I’m not afraid to be alone.